Saman
by Dolce Saito
Summary: <html><head></head>Because sometimes it's not just about surviving, but making it through each day with your sanity intact.</html>
1. Together

**Saman**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Some days<strong>_ they put a nice and healthy front for Shibazaki, grateful that he never drops by without calling first. Nine and Twelve aren't allowed to leave the city and Shibazaki is responsible for keeping an eye on them until all legal matters are settled. A proper arrest never took place due to Twelve's attempted murder and Nine's deteriorating health. Arrangements had been made and Shibazaki had been relentless on his quest to make things slightly better for the children.

Lisa and Twelve smile at the man that made sure they stayed safe and, most importantly, together. Nine answers most of his questions and keeps the conversation flowing until the visit is over.

But their smiles are strained and Nine doesn't allow their exchange to touch sensitive subjects. So they talk about Twelve's full recovery from surgery and Nine's progress with the trial cure, never dwelling on the emotional toll that their traumatic past and near death experience still had on all of them.

_**Some days**_ they go out and stand in front of the wooden planks outside the building that had suddenly become the center of media attention for months, and they just sit in silence, lost in their own thoughts. Shibazaki always tries to go with them, usually with the excuse of keeping away any lingering reporter that tries to get too close to them, but mainly because he wants to understand their grief and help them move on. If only he could somehow let them know they are not alone, that somebody outside their tight circle is looking out for them, that he _is not ignorant to their struggle_, no matter how much they try to hide it from him.

He sees how Mishima Lisa, the one that had once been called a_ hostage_, clings to the two boys as if they were a lifeline, as if her next breath depended on them.

He notices the discreet manner in which the young man called Nine never lets his guard down and quickly reacts to any disturbance around them.

And he never fails to catch the way Twelve starts at loud noises and how his smile falters every so often.

_**Some days**_ Lisa refuses to go to school, afraid the authorities will go back on their word to protect both Nine and Twelve, and that she'll come back to an empty apartment.

She used to come home in a panic, tearing through the apartment until she saw their faces. Now either Twelve or Nine wait at the door for her.

_**Some days**_ Lisa stares at Twelve for the longest time, with slightly trembling but silent lips.

_**Some days**_ Twelve and Nine find it hard to follow up on their doctor appointments. _Sometimes_ the only reason they oblige is because Lisa looks like she might break down if they don't.

The situation is reversed when Lisa has to go to therapy for her selective mutism. The sessions don't do anything but bring her flashbacks of that day, and she silently begs with her eyes to be spared. But in the end she pushes herself to go, _for them_.

On their own time, Nine tries to use reason to bring Lisa out of her state, but his words are stern and his voice carries the emotional stress that Twelve manages to conceal from her most of the time, so it never helps.

Twelve constantly reminds her of how much he misses seeing the color of her voice, he pleads for her to say something and even jokes that she doesn't have to speak to Nine, only to him, but even when she opens her mouth and tries to humor him it is only silence that follows.

_**Some days**_ they'll hear a car backfire and the three of them freeze in place. Most times this triggers a headache for Nine, Lisa covers her ears and starts shaking, and Twelve can't make eye contact with either of them for the rest of the day.

_**Some days**_ Twelve feels guilty, because he had always wanted somebody to care… but not if it destroyed them in the process. _Never_ if it meant it would steal Lisa's voice away. _Never_ if it meant it would further deteriorate Nine's health.

_**Some days**_ they find it hard to leave their beds at all, and eventually one of them has to convince the other two to get up and eat.

_**Some days**_ Lisa's fingers skim over Twelve's shirt and trace the scar that the bullet and subsequent surgery left on his chest. Her eyes always fill at the reminder that she had come close, _too close_, to losing him forever.

_**Some nights**_ Nine wakes up from a nightmare, no longer in a silent panic but full out thrashing and screaming Five's name. Twelve has to physically restrain him so that he doesn't hurt himself, and Lisa holds his hand until her knuckles turn white.

_**Some nights**_ Lisa sneaks into Twelve's bed and carefully places her head on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart until morning comes.

_**Some nights**_they simply renounce sleep and stay up watching T.V. with vacant eyes.

_**Some days**_ Lisa refuses to let go of Twelve's hand, and he allows her to drag him around the place as she trails Nine.

_**Some days**_ she bursts into tears in the middle of dinner and Twelve has to hold her face and remind her to breathe for him.

_**Some days**_ Nine mutters that death would have been easier than all of this.

_**Some days**_ they fight, and can't stand the sight of each other. Yet they can't bring themselves to stay away for too long.

_**Some days**_they laugh and believe things can improve.

_**Some days**_ they eat in silence and wonder if there's a way to heal faster, if they can possibly make a full recovery.

If Lisa will be able to stand a day without having to constantly check on both of them.

If Twelve will get to see again the pale yellow of the voice she refuses to use.

If Nine's nightmares will completely go away.

If the treatment will make the headaches disappear or if they'll just slow down the inevitable.

If the day will come in which loud noises stop triggering all of them.

If they can ever have some semblance of normalcy.

One night, as the muted T.V. casts dancing shadows on their tired faces, with Lisa curled up in Twelve's lap and Twelve's tight grip on Nine's hand, they accept that maybe they'll never be completely okay, maybe the triggers will never go away, maybe they were never meant to have normal lives.

_It's still too soon to tell._

But they are together, they will either get worse or better knowing that they are not alone, that there will be a hand to hold, a forehead to kiss, a warm body to hug…

They have each other and they are still alive, and that in itself gives them hope for a better tomorrow.

**01110101010101011101**

Dolce S.- We all like thinking of happy AUs in which they are all alive and well but then I started thinking about all the emotional trauma and PTSD that they'd likely have to deal with before getting any better and this happened...This only makes me hurt more thinking that Lisa had to go through this without them, but I'm working on another fic centered on that premise and **we know** she was able to ultimately come through, even without Twelve and Nine being _physically_ there.

This started as a small list of moments and then it blew up in all it's angsty glory and here you have the final thing. I thought I'd publish it before it got any longer or before it was too much to take and I deleted the document. I think this will be my personal headcanon on which all future "everyone's alive AUs" will be based.

Also, _Saman_ means 'together' in Icelandic. I suck at coming up with imaginative titles. Sorry.


	2. Nine Hope

Nine| Hope

* * *

><p>He remembers more about that evening than Twelve, but certainly much less than Lisa.<p>

He's grateful for that, for those blurry pieces of memory that he has no interest in placing together.

He had collapsed believing that Twelve, his brother, his only friend, the only person that could ever understand him, was dead. He hadn't cared if he woke up again, he thought he didn't have to worry about it, he was certain he wouldn't.

If he had lived any longer than the other children it was because of his drive for revenge, disclosure and justice.

The mission was over and done with, and Twelve had lain dead at his feet. He didn't have a reason left to draw breath for even another second.

So when he woke up, only days later, greeted by a blinding white light, with the repetitive beeping of what his ears recognized to be the sound of a heart monitor, and that antiseptic smell that failed to disguise the reek of disease particular to hospitals, he had wanted to scream.

An incoherent whine sputtered out of his lips and for the first time in his life he tried willing one of those skull splitting headaches into the present so it could finish the job.

Why?

Why?

Why?!

The beeping became erratic and its pitch was like a stab to his still beating heart. Mocking him. Mocking the fact that he still had a pulse when the only other person that mattered to him didn't.

That's when someone had pulled at one of his hands and his panic ridden eyes fell on a familiar face.

The girl was staring down at him, her lips falling open as she clutched one of his hands tightly with cold and trembling fingers.

He shook his head, refusing the relief in her eyes that only confirmed his fears, and tried prying his hand away but found himself unable to.

She didn't let go, not when he fixed her with a manic glare, not when a feral growl clawed its way out of his dry throat, not when his fingers curled around the back of her hand, nails digging viciously into her flesh with the clear intent of breaking the skin.

She held on, with surprising strength and determination, looking almost pleadingly into his eyes.

It wasn't long before doctors and nurses swarmed the room and Lisa was taken away. They put something in his I.V. that slowed his heart-rate considerably and he was barely conscious when Shibazaki came around.

He had been in a haze when the man went through the generalities of his situation. Words like minor rights, special circumstances, arrest and investigation just floated by without making any real sense to him, only when Shibazaki mentioned Twelve did he seem to be able to fight the drug cursing through his system and snap back to the moment.

Twelve was alive, barely, Shibazaki was careful to emphasize this. He needed at least two more surgeries to repair most of the damage done by the bullet and even after that there was a chance he wouldn't wake up.

Nine didn't know how to feel about this. Didn't know if he should feel happy that Twelve was somehow clinging to life as well or if this was just the universe's final slap to the face. He was told tests had been done on him and even though doctors were uncertain about his treatment they were doing everything in their power to help ease his condition.

He didn't care. He didn't want help.

Twelve wouldn't wake up and he would be eventually taken to the police where he'd spend his last few days inside a cage.

He spent the rest of the week in his room, only allowed to go outside and take some fresh air once a day. He always refused.

He learned that Lisa had lost her voice, Shibazaki had failed to mention that but he figured it out pretty fast. The girl would sit quietly and keep him company all morning, she would then retire at noon to eat and visit Twelve.

He wasn't allowed to see Twelve during his stay at the hospital and for a while he resented the fact that Lisa could. She would try to make it up to him by reporting Twelve's condition to him, writing neatly on a notebook about her visits and insisting that he read them. Seldom was the information really useful, Twelve's condition didn't seem to improve or change really, but he came to appreciate her gesture. He had been nothing but mean and indifferent to her, too focused on his own pain to care about how she was faring.

She looked exhausted, emotionally drained, much as he felt. Running back and forth between the two of them all day and then having to go back home every night to her crazy mother.

Shibazaki told him he was in the process of taking care of that for Lisa. He didn't know how he would manage to have any sort of say in matters well outside his jurisdiction, but he assumed the detective had taken to heart Twelve's words and would do his best to make good on his promise.

A month passed and he was discharged. Shibazaki said he'd be put under house arrest while matters were resolved.

He was finally able to see Twelve when he woke up days after his final surgery. He didn't know if relief was the right word for what he felt when Twelve smiled weakly at him and squeezed his hand. They had not prepared for this outcome. They had never anticipated to live past their 17th year.

How did you deal with the possibility of living well past your expiration date?

* * *

><p>Nine wakes up with a start, instincts kicking in when he see the shadowy limb hovering over him. One of his hands shoots up to grip it in place.<p>

He is in his bed, still alive, still breathing and …

"Hey, easy, it's just me,"

Twelve is there.

His hold relaxes, recognizing Twelve's voice, and he slowly lets go of the brunet's arm.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you awake, I just wanted to grab the other blanket for Lisa,"

Nine's gaze falls on the raven haired girl lying next to him, her head resting precariously on his pillow.

And so is Lisa.

"I was going to carry her to her room but she wouldn't let go," Twelve continues, draping the blanket over Lisa's body "When did you become her favorite?"

Nine grunts in response, looking down to see Lisa's fist wrapped around his shirt tightly, and Twelve chuckles lightly "You slept for a solid four hours until now, it must be a record,"

"Have you…" Nine clears his throat, his voice is raspy with sleep "Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Yeah, a couple hours"

Nine knows Twelve must have been keeping watch, just in case he woke up thrashing and ended up giving Lisa a bloody nose or a black eye. Lying beside him wasn't the safest place to sleep.

Lisa didn't seem to care for the risk involved though, as always, just acting on instinct. He begins trying to gently uncurl her fingers from the fabric of his shirt so he can maneuver the girl and make some room for Twelve "Come lie down,"

"I don't think there's enough room in that tiny bed of yours, I'm fine,"

"Don't make me repeat myself,"

"Fine, fine," Twelve puts up his hands in defeat and climbs right in, managing to angle his body just the right way so that he wouldn't fall off the edge.

Lisa rolls over to her side, finally letting go of Nine and instinctively curling against the brown haired, sighing deeply in her sleep.

"What were you saying about favorites?" asks Nine, a small smirk playing on his lips.

"I was trying to throw you a bone, of course I'm her favorite,"

They both laugh at this, stopping only when they feel Lisa stir.

"Are you alright?" Twelve asks after a couple of minutes of silence, idly playing with a few strands of Lisa's hair.

Nine nods automatically.

"We can't afford having secrets between us, all we've really got is each other."

Twelve's voice is stern and Nine knows there's no use playing strong "I get scared sometimes,"

Twelve props himself on his elbow so he can get a good look at Nine, "Is it the nightmares?"

Five haunted his dreams, no surprise there, and she had come back with a vengeance. But that wasn't his real issue, no.

"No, it's this…" he lifts his hands and gestures around the room then looks pointedly at the two people next to him.

Twelve's lips thin but he doesn't say anything, there's a flicker of understanding in his eyes, and Nine realizes he hadn't been the only one questioning their sudden good luck, if it could be called that.

"I'm waiting for this to fall apart, any moment, without notice. It's like waiting for a ticking bomb to detonate; only…we don't know how much time we have left, but the ticking is there and sometimes it drives me crazy,"

"Are you afraid they will go back on their word and arrest us?"

"That was the plan, wasn't it? Why would it scare me now?"

Twelve considers it and he flops back down, resting his chin atop Lisa's head. "It does scare me," he feels the shift in the bed as Nine turns to face him.

"I thought I could do it back then, when we were sure we were dying, when there was no hope for anything other than what we had already foreseen. Things are different now,"

"Just because you aren't getting any symptoms doesn't mean you're fine, especially after your surgeries; and we don't know if the treatment I'm getting will actually work in the long run…I might—"

"No," Twelve's voice is suddenly strained and angry.

"Twelve—"

"No, stop it, just shut up"

Lisa stirs again and Nine sighs "Why do you like setting yourself up for disappointment, haven't you learned?"

"We are here aren't we? Your headaches are becoming a rare occurrence, which means the treatment is working. Our message is still out there, ringing loud and clear for everyone to hear. Shibazaki is doing everything he can to give us full freedom and Lisa is still here, sticking with us for better or worse after all of this time. Why do you have to be so grim about everything? Why do you hate allowing yourself to hope for good things?"

"I don't trust things I can't control…I'm not used to just waiting and seeing what tomorrow brings, it's not me..."

"Do you trust us?"

It surprises both of them when he doesn't hesitate "I do,"

"We won't let you fall, we won't let this life we are slowly building together be threatened by anything or anyone. You are not alone in this; we are a family now,"

Nine considers the word, family, it had a nice if foreign ring to it.

"Nine,"

"hm?"

"Do you think this is normal for a family to do?"

Nine looks over at him and sees he's staring at the ceiling with narrowed eyes, one arm lazily draped over Lisa's slumbering silhouette.

They're all lying pressed against each other on a bed that wasn't meant for more than one person, Lisa's legs are now somehow tangled with his allowing him even less room to move.

No, this is not normal but they might get there eventually. Maybe one day they would be lying exactly like this, but without that heavy weight that each of them carried in their chest.

"I think it's the closest to normal we can afford right now,"

Twelve nods slowly and reaches over Lisa to grip Nine's hand and give it a firm squeeze "I think we are doing pretty good, considering,"

"You're right, we are," Nine nods, he has to pull through, for them, for these two people that love him so much they will forsake a comfortable, restful sleep to be with him, reassuring him with every little gesture that he wasn't and would never be alone. It was hard to convince himself that he was allowed to wish and hope for good things, that the future wasn't always necessarily bleak. He just needed a little nudge from his two important people to remember that.

"Hey, Nine, I was thinking—"

"We should try to sleep now,"

"But—"

"We have to wake Lisa for school in a couple of hours, go to sleep," he tries turning but Lisa's legs have him trapped in the same position and he sighs in exasperation, trying to untangle himself.

"I was just going to say we should get you a bigger bed," pouts Twelve, as if on cue Lisa rolls onto her back, flinging her arm wide and hitting Nine straight in the face "but Lisa is making my point, good night."

**00101010101010101111**

**Dolce S- I was going to keep Saman as a one-shot, but shortly after the first chapter was published I started writing this and another couple of chapters focused on Twelve and Lisa respectively. This one was a little bit rushed due to the fact that I wanted to make this for Nine's day for ZNT week, but work got in the way and today is the last day to post anything for zntweek so I had to hurry. It will edit it later so I'm sorry for any mistakes you might encounter. ****Thank you for reading.**


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